I Fail Everyday

After reading Elly's comment on my last entry, I realized that I might have made it look like I have it all together now since I've experienced such a difficult hardship in my life as losing my sister. Oh contrare!!  I am only beginning to learn the depth of my sin-and praying to learn, know, and taste the  depth of the love and grace of our Savior. 

Here's Elly's comment: 

Thanks for sharing this letter, Amanda, and for using the grief that you and your family experience over Natalee's death to minister to others. It is good to remember the purpose of this life is far from the things we daily invest in. Your words remind me to refocus my perspective where it should be. You are so right too, about not taking our loved ones for granted. It's hard to see that without having experienced the tremendous pain that you have after losing Natalee. In that way, you have received a blessing from the Lord -- He has given you eyes to see where your focus should be in this life. You've learned not to waste it, not to take moments and people in your life for granted, not to expend time and emotional energy on what will not matter for eternity. 

Thanks for blessing me with your friendship and your willingness to share the things God has shown you through this painful part of your journey.

And my response: 

Elly-thank you for your encouraging words & genuine heart of love and compassion for me and my family. I know you having a sister makes what we went through feel especially close to home. I must say though-as it's been five years now-that I do forget. I fail & forget to live in light of eternity everyday-and instead just go about our normal routine, often without even taking but a minute to fellowship with my Father. I waste my time on what is fleeting (hmm should I buy a white picture frame or a black one? or I'm "just" gonna check my facebookreally fast...) and not eternal (Father, show me who I can minister to today.)  I do still take people for granted and I am still unkind, unloving, critical, defensive, prideful (the list can go on and on...) with those closest to me -David, my parents, friends. Though I have so personally learned how fleeting life is and how imperative life after this one is, I still lack passion for the gospel and am apathetic about spreading Christ's love. I am convicted that I am more passionate and apt to talk about about natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering then I am about what God has done for me through his son. I stick with my Christian friends who I am comfortable with, not pursuing more then a few minute conversation with my neighbors. I am preoccupied with myself (and my child and husband) and the luxuries of this world (ie the computer!) Oh the list could go on and on....

Yet, despite all this, God has justified me & pardoned me-something I could never do on my own! God is still working on refining me, and it is a  s l o w  process!

          I love the following catechism and am so thankful for Christ’s work on my behalf...

Q.How are you right with God?

A. Only by true faith in Jesus Christ. Even though my conscience accuses me of having grievously sinned against all God's commandments and of never having kept any of them, and even though I am still inclined toward all evil,nevertheless,without my deserving it at all,out of sheer grace,God grants and credits to me the perfect satisfaction, righteousness, and holiness of Christ, as if I had never sinned nor been a sinner, as if I had been as perfectly obedient as Christ was obedient for me.  All I need to do is to accept this gift of God with a believing heart. (Heidelberg Cat #60)