I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to our friends while we were in Uganda. Two years ago (5/27/07), Laura, a wife and mother, died suddenly when struck by a car. Nothing can prepare you for something earth shattering like this.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Dear Scott, Robert, Erica, Christine, and Michael~
I woke up at 11:50 last night and knew something was terribly wrong. I was then filled with a sick feeling as I remembered you all, my sickness quickly turning into a prayer. Again, when I awoke this morning, my heart was filled with absolute sorrow for you. When asleep, the horrid nightmare that has becomes your life disappears, and for a few hours, all is fine. But the moment you wake up, you are filled with the realization that something is terribly wrong, your precious mother and wife is dead. And then the suffocating grief overtakes you. I wish I could tell you everything will be OK. I wish I could take some of your raw, stabbing, pain that leaves you feeling as if you’ve been punched repeatedly in the stomach, leaving you in a haze that feels like an out of body experience. I am crushed and shocked beyond belief that your mother/wife, who was just hours ago very alive, is now dead. I feel helpless. All I can do is pray. I am praying for you, praying that God will lift your burden just a bit, to relieve some of the worst pain that you will ever experience in this life. Pain that he is familiar with. Pain that he understands. Pain that he felt when he watched he own son suffer on the cross on our behalf.
My sister, Natalee, died suddenly 3 ½ years ago. I can tell you that the absolute worst is past; nothing in life can be more horrid that finding that one you love so extremely much is dead. The first days, weeks, and months after Natalee’s death were a blur of deep heartache that I had never before dreamed fathomable. I wanted to scream at the world-“DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED!?! MY SISTER IS DEAD!!!” when asked, “How are you?” flippantly by people. How in the world are you suppose to honestly answer that question?! It wasn’t fair that others were able to go on, smiling and happy, when my sister was gone forever.
I don’t think that there is a day that slips by when I don’t think of Natalee. The horror and piercing pain has diminished and has been replaced with a small ache that I know will be there until I see her again one beautiful day. Months after her death I would shake my head and find myself saying, “Is she really gone?” half expecting her to come bounding in the room, with her joyful and carefree spirit, the way she always did. Natalee is forever 20, frozen in time. It hurts when I see sisters having fun, sharing and enjoying life together the way we did. I want to tell them to enjoy the time that they have, not to take it for granted, because you never know how long you have together.
You will be hit at unexpected times with grief, like the strong ocean tide, sweeping up on the shore and then washing away again. You may be at the store, and her favorite song will come on the radio. Grief may hit you when you eat at her favorite restaurant, smell her perfume or see another person that looks like her. When a letter comes in the mail addressed to her, or when an old friend asks how she is who hasn’t heard the news. On her birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Anniversary the waves will hit as well-strong at first, then slowly, slowly, easing back, drifting away. With time, the pain will be less suffocating, but it will never go away.
When I really miss Natalee, often when I’m all by myself, or if there’s a big event in life (i.e. my wedding or moving to Africa) I find that writing a letter to her helps. I collaged a journal of pictures that remind me of her and us- two little girls holding hands and playing in the ocean, glorious mountains, Gerber daisies, the word “Bliss,” a Florida sun set. I know she can’t read the letters that I write her, but it still helps me to tell her what I’m thinking and feeling. I also have a memory book where I write down funny stories, memories, and special and ordinary times we shared. On her birthday, July 9th, I still make her favorite cake- banana nut or a fruit pizza. We also buy her balloons and take them to her grave, listen to her favorite music, watch her favorite movie, or eat at her favorite restaurant. She loved musicals so my parents go to see one every year around her birthday. Thanksgiving is the hardest time because that’s when she died, and we remember her “eternal birthday.” We, her family, still remember and hurt, but most others have moved on and don’t feel the pain like we do which makes it hard sometimes. There is a void at home with out her, she is terribly missed and noticeably gone. Christmas is hard too. You can buy a gift in her memory, for instance through World Vision you can give a family a goat etc. It’s important to remember her together, and I know you all will come up with special ways to still honor your mom/wife, even though she is gone.
It’s OK to be angry, upset, and to cry questions like, “Why God!?” Romans 8:28 was so hard for me to hear after Natalee died, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” How could God have numbered her days so short and have ordained her to die so suddenly? However, three and a half years later, I can say that I have indeed seen God working out her death for good in our lives. I now truly realize that life is but a vapor, a mist- it’s fleeting. I don’t want to waste it. God is awakening me to this reality, challenging me, and convicting me about what truly matters in life. “This life is not my own-but belongs, body and soul, life and death, to my faithful savior Jesus Christ.” (Westminster Shorter Catechism.) I know that I wouldn’t be in Uganda today if Nalee were still living. I don’t believe that I would cherish David as much and feel the urgency for the gospel, what is eternal vs. what is fleeting. My life is now richer because I know and have experienced, with deep anguish of soul that life is fleeting, and my heart has now been awakened to truly live.
Philippians 1:12 says, “I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.” I know that Nalee, in heaven, with a much different perspective, would say that her short life on earth was worth it. Life here pales immensely to the deep, pure joy that she is now experiencing. Her short life was worth it because she can see the lives that came to Christ because of her death, the seeds that were planted, the lives that were rededicated to Christ, the lives that were awakened to the beauty of life. I know that your mom/Laura now has this same perspective. I am earnestly praying for her parents, her family, Scott’s family, and all the ISU students and parents who heard the gospel at her service. So many who don’t know Christ were shocked and stunned at the suddenness of her death, and they have been forced to think about what will happen when they too die. Though we see only dimly now, one day we will see and understand fully God’s timing and plan in her death~ why God allowed your loving, caring, servant hearted mom/wife to die so young. I pray that Christ would awaken you to his presence and his beauty, love, compassion and grace during this time. Though you are walking and in the mist of burning flames, that he would refine you to his likeness. That you would allow him to comfort you, hold you, and heal you when nothing else on this earth can.
All I can say is that I am so, so, sorry. David and I have been so blessed by your family during our time in Uganda. Laura’s sweet hospitality ministered to us on countless occasions. She was already planning a goodbye party for us. We will never have that goodbye, but we now look forward with great anticipation to a welcome home party. One glorious day, you will see your Savior and your momma/wife, all on the same day. She will run to you with open arms and then you will know and see God’s sovereign hand in her death.
I pray that you will find rest in the shadow of our Almighty Father’s wings.
Because of Christ’s Love,
Amanda (and David)
The Sheffer Family
‘Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life once again. From the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."
Psalms 71:20
